What are the different muscles in my dick? How can I get more?
Dear Omar F. Kelly of Chappaqua, NY,
There are no muscles in anyone’s dick. You listen here, my friend. That’s not how dicks work.
A dick is comprised mainly of blood, skin, cartilage, bone, xylem, cuticles, photoreceptor cells, integrated circuits, milk, weird gray veins, jade beads, meteoric dust, and dick blood.
There are rare cases of patients with dicks made of gold or cloth, but I have never heard of any muscles being found in a dick.
I have heard of nincompoops who have injured their dicks trying to heave medicine balls with their dicks. And I once treated a poor dope who had a severe dick rash caused by coating his dick in a whey-based protein powder.
Please, readers, don’t fall prey to this harebrained “Swole Dick” fad. If you want to increase the size of your dick, better to use an old-fashioned bicycle pump, like your fathers did. It’s safe, temporary, and if you know how to make dick balloon animals, delightful!
—Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD