i accidentally ran my dick through a funnel and now my dick is puny. want to see?
—Anonymous
Dear Cory Reynolds of Saginaw, MI,
Yes, of course. Please mail your dick photos to:
Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD
2600 Virginia Avenue, N.W. Suite 200
Washington, DC 20037
—Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD
My Dick Is Wigging Out
How Do I Stop My Dick, Or At Least Pause My Dick
?
Thank You Doctor
—Anonymous
Dear Mack Maclean of Roseburg, OR,
Spastic Dick is most often treated with 100mg of diazepam (Valium) injected into the dick’s topmost surface.
A less addictive home remedy is to weigh down your dick with a small dumbbell and turn on a white noise machine near your dick. I cannot overstate the therapeutic value of white noise— Spastic Dick is almost unheard of in oceanfront communities!
If you can’t afford a white noise machine, you can also try tucking your dick into a conch shell.
—Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD
So the world did NOT end (fucking Obama) and great, guess now I am gonna have to take care of my dick after all. THANKS OBAMA.
I stayed out on my roof all day waiting for death. The sunlight left my dick tawny and crisp. My dick is worthless now.
This is Obama’s America. Obamacare death paneled my dick and I’m $7,000 in debt. I’m a small business owner and I could be using those dollars to fix my dick and create jobs. Mitt Romney would have not let my dick become a ruined piece of trash.
President Romney would have had what it takes to let the Mayan apocalypse happen. He would not be afraid of God damned Chinese asteroids. But no. Everything went to shit the moment America turned its back on America and let my sunburnt dick plummet off the fiscal cliff so FUCK YOU
—Anonymous
Dear Chris Floyd of Louisville, KY,
Sounds like you got a tan on your dick! You can reverse it by coating your dick in Band-Aids for about a week. When you remove them, your dick’s skin should be pale and soft again.
Next time you decide to go sunbathing, remember to put a bag or upturned cup over your dick.
—Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD
my Dick looks like a Ninja Turtle’s foot. it’s horrible and bad! My friends have taken to calling me “NInja Turle Foot dick” a very hurtful name. What can I do about this pre”dick”ament??
—Anonymous
Dear Craig C. Conrad of Atlanta, GA,
Great dick pun! My compliments.
You have a hormonal condition known as Ninja Turtle Foot Dick. There is no known cure for this hormonal dick condition. However, you can cosmetically reconsolidate your dick.
See your dick doctor. He or she will fuse the two “toes” of your dick together with a medical cauter, then bind your dick with bandages to make sure it keeps.
In a few weeks the bandages will come off, and your dick should be vaguely resemble a singular, if misshapen and scarred, fleshy mass. However, you’ll need to be careful not to make any sudden kicking or thrusting actions with your dick, or your dick may explosively split back into two phalanges again.
—Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD
my
dick
is
on
FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HELP PUT IT OUT!!!!!!!!
PUT MY DICK OUT!!!!!!
HELP!
—Anonymous
Dear Neil Cicierega of Somerville, MA,
Quickly, douse your dick with water or sand. Always keep a bucket of water or sand nearby in situations where fire might engulf your dick.
To avoid future hazards, you might consider rubbing your dick with fire-retardant gel. You might also purchase an asbestos scabbard for your dick.
—Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD
I am a peasant and I live in Squalor. Some trash and gargbage got into my dick. I attempt to remove it with a fork and now the fork is stuck too. That was my onlyfork and now it is now lost in my dick. I dont even care about the gabage anymore, just help me get the fork back.
—Anonymous
Dear Steven Douglass of New Castle, CO,
You can easily eject the contents of your dick. First, prop your dick open. A good tool for this task is one of those plastic mini-tables that come in pizza boxes.
Now, shine a bright light into your dick, or point it towards the sun. (Do not use a flame— it may ignite the trash inside your dick.) The inside walls of a dick have high photosensitivity, so they will begin to convulse slightly.
Finally, drip some regular table mustard into your dick. Just a few tablespoons should be enough to trigger your dick’s diccygeal reflex. The side muscles of your dick will synchronize in a hypnotic wavelike dance, gently expelling everything you’ve put in your dick in the last 48 hours.
Once you’re satisfied that all foreign objects have left your dick, you can halt the diccygeal reflex by drubbing your dick with a small hammer or the handle of a screwdriver.
Remember to take the pizza table out of your dick!
—Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD
i wondered aboit these all last night. can cat’s dick’s meow. can dog’s dick’s barp. do you know or can only god know?
—Anonymous
Dear Alfred Richey of Kalispell, MT,
I know for a fact that a cat’s dick can hiss when startled. Other than that, no, cat and dog dicks have no special vocal abilities.
If it interests you, however, a chimp’s dick can learn up to ten words.
—Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD
What are the different muscles in my dick? How can I get more?
—Anonymous
Dear Omar F. Kelly of Chappaqua, NY,
There are no muscles in anyone’s dick. You listen here, my friend. That’s not how dicks work.
A dick is comprised mainly of blood, skin, cartilage, bone, xylem, cuticles, photoreceptor cells, integrated circuits, milk, weird gray veins, jade beads, meteoric dust, and dick blood.
There are rare cases of patients with dicks made of gold or cloth, but I have never heard of any muscles being found in a dick.
I have heard of nincompoops who have injured their dicks trying to heave medicine balls with their dicks. And I once treated a poor dope who had a severe dick rash caused by coating his dick in a whey-based protein powder.
Please, readers, don’t fall prey to this harebrained “Swole Dick” fad. If you want to increase the size of your dick, better to use an old-fashioned bicycle pump, like your fathers did. It’s safe, temporary, and if you know how to make dick balloon animals, delightful!
—Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD
Dear readers,
This post is entitled: “Even dick doctors make mistakes.”
Oh, what a fool I was! This past weekend, I rigged my dick up with fishing line and a crank, hoping to do a little fly fishing with my dick. Yes, I should have known better.
Things got out of control, and long story short, a 200 pound sturgeon crushed my dick like an empty beer can. Yikes!
To make matters worse, my dick got tangled in the line, and that awful fish dragged my dick for what must have been a mile before I was able to cut it loose with my pocket knife. The crank also chewed my dick up pretty good.
Whoopsie daisy!
Thankfully, I always keep a dick first-aid kit in my car (and you should too.) I was able to patch my poor dick up well enough to drive. I checked myself into my own clinic and sheepishly greeted the nurses, who were sure to have a hearty laugh as I held my crinkled dick together with my bare hands. They laughed even harder when they discovered the hook pierced through my dick’s underside, complete with the lure and sinker!
Imagine my embarrassment!
Don’t worry, my dick is now rebuilt and healing beautifully. But what a close call!
It just goes to show you, no dick is invincible. Learn from this old dick doctor’s hubris. When it comes to safety, put your dick first.
—Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD
