Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD

"Putting your dick concerns to rest."

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N e i l C i c . c o m

25 August 14

I care about earth’s environment. Is my dick biodegradable?



Dear Normand Krieg of Crystal, ND,

No. Human dicks are non-biodegradable, and their improper disposal poses a serious ecological threat to our planet’s oceans.

I highly recommend that you speak with your probate lawyer about what to do with your dick after you’ve passed on. Most medical schools are happy to accept donated dicks for use as learning tools. Another option is willing your dick to the Arts—many struggling artists would be glad to “upcycle” your dead dick into beautiful and challenging installation art.

If you feel uncomfortable with passing your dick on to strangers, keep it in the family! Many people choose to have their deceased dicks bronzed or taxidermied, and incorporated into a “family dick tree” mural in their foyer. What better way to assuage the approach of death than to know that future generations of your progeny will gaze upon your old mummified dick as a cherished heirloom?

—Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD

Tags: dicks
19 September 13

help! my dwinkus has tuned grey and hurts



Dear Kirk Garcia of Dayton, OH,

"Dwinkus"? Oh boy, am I tired of hearing all these pitiful slang terms for dicks being thrown around. It’s an epidemic! I’m going to make a helpful list.


It is IMPROPER to refer to your dick as:

  • Your “dwinkus”
  • Your “donut”
  • Your “derby”
  • Your “drake”
  • Your “drizzler”
  • Your “diglett”
  • Your “denethor”
  • Your “corn cob”
  • Your “angel foot”
  • Your “radish”
  • Your “skinwalker”
  • Your “panic button”
  • Your “geometric primitive”
  • Your “stork beak”
  • Your “fiddler on the roof”
  • Your “guidestone”
  • Your “zord”
  • Your “standing desk”
  • Your “brand”
  • Your “witch’s tooth”
  • Your “river dolphin”
  • Your “son”
  • Your “crumblecake”
  • Your “real talkin’ bubba”
  • Your “microblog”
  • Your “front-pit”
  • Your “under-antler”
  • Your “hip-flask”
  • Your “kernel”
  • Your “shin”
  • Your “flesh unicycle”
  • Your “MMORPG”
  • Your “yoga mat”
  • Your “starfish”
  • Your “yankee candle”
  • Your “california raisin”
  • Your “scrollbar”
  • Your “possible banksy”


Please DO refer to your dick as:

  • Your “dick”

That’s it! That’s the proper English term for that amazing organ that grows between our legs or, in some cases, between each of our fingers.

—Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD

Tags: dicks
13 June 13

My dick looks like a perilous thicket of briers, burrs and prickly thistles.

My friends often get ensared in my dick, which they can only escape by ditching the leg portions of their convertible pants-shorts.

They have taken to calling me “Brier-Patch Dick”, a very hurtful name.

One time at a sleepover, I pretended to fall asleep, and I overheard my friends telling an old African-American folktale about Br’er Rabbit escaping from my dick. Although the story had a happy ending, I felt ashamed of my dick being used as an obstacle for the rabbit in the story. I began to cry and my friends heard me, but they thought it was a ghost. They ran screaming, but in the process they once again became caught in my dick’s thorny brambles. Soon everyone was crying and screaming in fear, pain and confusion. It was the worst sleepover of all time.

Doctor, I do not expect you know how to fix this problem. How do you fix this problem?



Dear Joel Lippincott of Glendale, NH,

A briery dick is no match for this trick:

Don some heavy duty gardening gloves. Grip as much of your dick as you can with both hands, and TEAR it out. Throw it in the garbage.

Repeat this process until all that is left of your dick is a single sprout. Treat it with care. Put up helpful fences and signage around it. Water it daily. In the springtime, it may produce berries. These are called dick berries. Share these delicious dick berries with your friends, and they will soon forget the nightmare your dick once was.

—Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD

Tags: dicks
24 May 13

i accidentally ran my dick through a funnel and now my dick is puny. want to see?


Dear Cory Reynolds of Saginaw, MI,

Yes, of course. Please mail your dick photos to:

Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD

2600 Virginia Avenue, N.W. Suite 200

Washington, DC 20037

—Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD

Tags: dicks
14 April 13

My Dick Is Wigging Out

How Do I Stop My Dick, Or At Least Pause My Dick


Thank You Doctor


Dear Mack Maclean of Roseburg, OR,

Spastic Dick is most often treated with 100mg of diazepam (Valium) injected into the dick’s topmost surface.

A less addictive home remedy is to weigh down your dick with a small dumbbell and turn on a white noise machine near your dick. I cannot overstate the therapeutic value of white noise— Spastic Dick is almost unheard of in oceanfront communities!

If you can’t afford a white noise machine, you can also try tucking your dick into a conch shell.

—Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD

Tags: dicks
19 February 13

So the world did NOT end (fucking Obama) and great, guess now I am gonna have to take care of my dick after all. THANKS OBAMA.

I stayed out on my roof all day waiting for death. The sunlight left my dick tawny and crisp. My dick is worthless now.

This is Obama’s America. Obamacare death paneled my dick and I’m $7,000 in debt. I’m a small business owner and I could be using those dollars to fix my dick and create jobs. Mitt Romney would have not let my dick become a ruined piece of trash.

President Romney would have had what it takes to let the Mayan apocalypse happen. He would not be afraid of God damned Chinese asteroids. But no. Everything went to shit the moment America turned its back on America and let my sunburnt dick plummet off the fiscal cliff so FUCK YOU


Dear Chris Floyd of Louisville, KY,

Sounds like you got a tan on your dick! You can reverse it by coating your dick in Band-Aids for about a week. When you remove them, your dick’s skin should be pale and soft again.

Next time you decide to go sunbathing, remember to put a bag or upturned cup over your dick.

—Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD

3 February 13

my Dick looks like a Ninja Turtle’s foot. it’s horrible and bad! My friends have taken to calling me “NInja Turle Foot dick” a very hurtful name. What can I do about this pre”dick”ament??


Dear Craig C. Conrad of Atlanta, GA,

Great dick pun! My compliments.

You have a hormonal condition known as Ninja Turtle Foot Dick. There is no known cure for this hormonal dick condition. However, you can cosmetically reconsolidate your dick.

See your dick doctor. He or she will fuse the two “toes” of your dick together with a medical cauter, then bind your dick with bandages to make sure it keeps.

In a few weeks the bandages will come off, and your dick should be vaguely resemble a singular, if misshapen and scarred, fleshy mass. However, you’ll need to be careful not to make any sudden kicking or thrusting actions with your dick, or your dick may explosively split back into two phalanges again.

—Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD

Tags: dicks
28 November 12











Dear Neil Cicierega of Somerville, MA,

Quickly, douse your dick with water or sand. Always keep a bucket of water or sand nearby in situations where fire might engulf your dick. 

To avoid future hazards, you might consider rubbing your dick with fire-retardant gel. You might also purchase an asbestos scabbard for your dick.

—Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD

Tags: dicks
22 September 12

I am a peasant and I live in Squalor. Some trash and gargbage got into my dick. I attempt to remove it with a fork and now the fork is stuck too. That was my onlyfork and now it is now lost in my dick. I dont even care about the gabage anymore, just help me get the fork back.


Dear Steven Douglass of New Castle, CO,

You can easily eject the contents of your dick. First, prop your dick open. A good tool for this task is one of those plastic mini-tables that come in pizza boxes.

Now, shine a bright light into your dick, or point it towards the sun. (Do not use a flame— it may ignite the trash inside your dick.) The inside walls of a dick have high photosensitivity, so they will begin to convulse slightly.

Finally, drip some regular table mustard into your dick. Just a few tablespoons should be enough to trigger your dick’s diccygeal reflex. The side muscles of your dick will synchronize in a hypnotic wavelike dance, gently expelling everything you’ve put in your dick in the last 48 hours.

Once you’re satisfied that all foreign objects have left your dick, you can halt the diccygeal reflex by drubbing your dick with a small hammer or the handle of a screwdriver.

Remember to take the pizza table out of your dick!

—Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD

Tags: dicks
5 September 12

i wondered aboit these all last night. can cat’s dick’s meow. can dog’s dick’s barp. do you know or can only god know?


Dear Alfred Richey of Kalispell, MT,

I know for a fact that a cat’s dick can hiss when startled. Other than that, no, cat and dog dicks have no special vocal abilities.

If it interests you, however, a chimp’s dick can learn up to ten words.

—Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD

Themed by Hunson. Originally by Josh