April 2013
1 post
1 tag
My Dick Is Wigging Out
How Do I Stop My Dick, Or At Least Pause My Dick
?
Thank You Doctor
—Anonymous
Dear Mack Maclean of Roseburg, OR,
Spastic Dick is most often treated with 100mg of diazepam (Valium) injected into the dick’s topmost surface.
A less addictive home remedy is to weigh down your dick with a small dumbbell and turn on a white noise machine near your dick. I...
February 2013
2 posts
2 tags
So the world did NOT end (fucking Obama) and great, guess now I am gonna have to take care of my dick after all. THANKS OBAMA.
I stayed out on my roof all day waiting for death. The sunlight left my dick tawny and crisp. My dick is worthless now.
This is Obama’s America. Obamacare death paneled my dick and I’m $7,000 in debt. I’m a small business owner and I could be using...
1 tag
my Dick looks like a Ninja Turtle’s foot. it’s horrible and bad! My friends have taken to calling me “NInja Turle Foot dick” a very hurtful name. What can I do about this pre”dick”ament??
—Anonymous
Dear Craig C. Conrad of Atlanta, GA,
Great dick pun! My compliments.
You have a hormonal condition known as Ninja Turtle Foot Dick. There is no known...
November 2012
1 post
1 tag
my
dick
is
on
FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HELP PUT IT OUT!!!!!!!!
PUT MY DICK OUT!!!!!!
HELP!
—Anonymous
Dear Neil Cicierega of Somerville, MA,
Quickly, douse your dick with water or sand. Always keep a bucket of water or sand nearby in situations where fire might engulf your dick.
To avoid future hazards, you might consider rubbing your dick with fire-retardant...
September 2012
2 posts
1 tag
I am a peasant and I live in Squalor. Some trash and gargbage got into my dick. I attempt to remove it with a fork and now the fork is stuck too. That was my onlyfork and now it is now lost in my dick. I dont even care about the gabage anymore, just help me get the fork back.
—Anonymous
Dear Steven Douglass of New Castle, CO,
You can easily eject the contents of your dick. First,...
2 tags
i wondered aboit these all last night. can cat’s dick’s meow. can dog’s dick’s barp. do you know or can only god know?
—Anonymous
Dear Alfred Richey of Kalispell, MT,
I know for a fact that a cat’s dick can hiss when startled. Other than that, no, cat and dog dicks have no special vocal abilities.
If it interests you, however, a chimp’s dick can...
August 2012
9 posts
1 tag
What are the different muscles in my dick? How can I get more?
—Anonymous
Dear Omar F. Kelly of Chappaqua, NY,
There are no muscles in anyone’s dick. You listen here, my friend. That’s not how dicks work.
A dick is comprised mainly of blood, skin, cartilage, bone, xylem, cuticles, photoreceptor cells, integrated circuits, milk, weird gray veins, jade beads, meteoric...
1 tag
1 tag
Even dick doctors make mistakes.
Dear readers,
This post is entitled: “Even dick doctors make mistakes.”
Oh, what a fool I was! This past weekend, I rigged my dick up with fishing line and a crank, hoping to do a little fly fishing with my dick. Yes, I should have known better.
Things got out of control, and long story short, a 200 pound sturgeon crushed my dick like an empty beer can. Yikes!
To make matters...
1 tag
Like healthy dicks? "Like" Dick Health on... →
1 tag
last week i defaced a statue of christopher columbus with my dick.
i’m so sorry.
i don’t know why i did it.
but now my dick has turned chalk white with guilt.
achy pangs of regret shoot through my dick with every heartbeat. sometimes at night i feel as though columbus himself is breathing on my dick.
is there a spray or paste that will redeem my dick?
please and thank you.
...
1 tag
MY DICK IS A NON-STOP MALT SHOP! The thing is a CONSTANT SPEWING GEYSER of chocolate malteds, Coca Colas, lime phosphates, YOU NAME IT, all over everything! Loud, rude TEENS won’t stop guzzling free refreshments from my horrible fountain dick! Help me out, Doc! Tell my doo-wop dick that the 50’s are over!
—Anonymous
Dear Andrew Dagget of Philadelphia, PA,
You have a...
2 tags
I am a villain in an old Zorro story, and Zorro has just stabbed me in the dick. I am uninsured. Please, dick doctor, tell me how to doctor my own dick, so that I may go on to fight Zorro once more.
—Don Cándido
Dear Don Cándido of Los Angeles, CA,
I understand completely that you’d rather not drag your bleeding, stabbed dick through a busy ER only to pay through the nose for...
why is there a weird mini mountain range on my dick ? :( snow & trees the works. my homies call me “mountain dick” a very hurtful name. if they just walk a mile in my dick they would not be so eager to laugh behind my mountain dick’s back. whatever im just venting. tell me what can i do to smooth out my dick? help me level this dick
—Anonymous
Dear Walter...
1 tag
I heard that it’s possible to brew great coffee with your dick. I looked up instructions but it was translated from Dutch and I made a huge mess of my dick and the coffee tasted too much like a dick. Can you tell or show me the proper way to make a coffee with my dick?
—Anonymous
Dear F. Murray Abraham of New York, NY,
Brewing coffee with your dick is an old soldier’s...
July 2012
1 post
1 tag
I was half watching NOVA the other day, and I thought I heard Neil deGrasse Tyson say that an astronaut once put his dick in a black hole and it turned into spaghetti (the dick, not the black hole.) Did I hear this right? Where can I find a black hole?
—Martin Glem
Dear Martin Glem of Rutland, OH,
You heard not-quite-correctly. Neil deGrasse Tyson was speaking of a hypothetical...
May 2012
3 posts
Every morning I wake up a with a new layer of dough around my dick. My dick dough comes off easily but it keeps growing back. Is it safe to bake with? What can I do with all this dick dough?
—Anonymous
Dear Dough Dick,
While not FDA approved, your dick’s dough is perfectly safe. I myself have enjoyed the occasional dick bread. It is a rare treat and your friends will love you...
1 tag
HELP HELP HJELP these big black KILLER BIRDS are gonna PECK my DICK OFF and carry it INTO THE SUN. this is FUCKED UP how did i get myself in this shitty situation? AHHHHHH
—CARL KYLE HOLDER-SMOOT
Dear Carl Kyle Holder-Smoot,
Calm down! Are you indoors? The killer birds, which I’m almost positive are common crows, probably lack the ability to break in and kidnap your dick.
The...
1 tag
My dick has four legs like a little animal. Why do I have a warped-ass creature dick?
—Anonymous
Dear James K. McComas of Overland Park, MO,
It depends. Do your dick’s legs move of their own volition? If so, cut them off immediately.
Are they just hanging from your dick motionlessly? If that is the case, the “legs” are merely harmless dick nodules. Cut them off at...
April 2012
2 posts
1 tag
Hey!! Its the dick doctor. I’m a little drunk tonight Bear with me! O.K. I;m pretty damned drunk. I am a Doctor! I know my dosages!! Dick dosages.
Anyway, i just want to share in some laughs about the aburdity of dicks! Like I went to f.u.c.k.ing medical school for what? 10 years or what ever the hell it was„, and I do this blig for serious serious reasons (like educating) but have...
1 tag
I was comparing dicks with my buddy Russell. His dick is cool looking like Rob Liefeld drew it. Mine on the other hand is weird and alien like Dr. Seuss art. I hate the way my dick goes off in all different directions. My buddy Russell has taken to calling me “Seuss Dick”, a very hurtful name. Is there any kind of acid I can use to scar my buddy Russell’s dick so it won’t...
March 2012
4 posts
1 tag
UMMM SO WHATS THE SCOOP ON BALLS. NPR JUST DID A THING ON BALLS. ARE THEY MYTH
—Dan Bautista of Wichita, KS
Dear Dan Bautista of Wichita, KS,
It’s estimated that about 0.3% of dicks contain balls. Such dicks usually hold three to six balls in a row, connected by a rainbow ribbon of ball veins. Each ball contains a new dick in case the primary dick fails. Since most people never...
1 tag
I took an online quiz “Find Out Your Dick’s True Age” and it told me my dick is 97 years old. I’m only 26 and I’m disturbed by this. I can’t sleep now. I’m so afraid my dick could give out at any minute. Please! Is this test a load of hooey? I need to know if it’s just hooey! Is it hooey?
—Anonymous
Dear Donovan Thomas of Spearman, TX,
...
1 tag
I’m a counselor at a summer camp for divorced men. Do you know any good dick tricks I could use to teach my campers some basic skills while also having a lot of fun?
—Larry of Camp Divorce in St. Albans Bay, VT
Dear Larry,
This is an old one, but you can light a fire with only your dick, a flint rock, and some brush. Simply hit your dick with the rock repeatedly until it...
1 tag
not to brag, but my dick is serrated and can cut through just about anything. my friends have taken to daring me to cut through objects with my serrated dick, and are even betting money on whether or not my dick can destroy an increasingly rigid series of materials. i enjoy the attention but i’m beginning to wonder whether or not this is safe. please let me know if i am putting my saw dick...
December 2011
1 post
1 tag
I’m scared of spiders. My friend says spiders have 8 dicks and shoot web from their dicks. I’m too scared to look it up. Is it true?
—Anonymous
Dear Wallace Calloway of Manchester, NH,
Say hello! This is my pet tarantula, Dicky! He’s about six years old and named after my brother (We miss you, Dick.)
Your friend is 100% right. Dicky, like all creatures in the...
November 2011
4 posts
1 tag
Please bring relief to my miserable joke of a life. My dick, the only one I have, is vivid red with green and white detailing and smells of fresh snow and pine needles. My bible study group has taken to calling me “Christmas Dick”, a very hurtful name. Is there any way to euthanize just my dick.
—Anonymous
Dear Lee Slone of Anacortes, WA,
Slap some hobby paint on your...
1 tag
i shot a bee bee through my dick and a little bit of sand came out???? help???? whats going on????
—Anonymous
Dear Stu Beauchamp of Mobile, AL,
Be careful! That’s not sand, it’s crushed glass. About 35% of all human dicks contain a glass bone called the diccyx. The projectile you shot through your dick seems to have partially or completely shattered yours. You must seek...
1 tag
Dear Doctor Dick QUACK, who do you think you are? You are a vile con man carpetbagger snake DICK oil salesman. Stop spewing ZIONIST dick myths and get a real job. A dick can only be healed by the power of prayer, and you will burn in Hell with all those who practice blasphemous dick medicine.
—Anonymous
Dear Dick Health readers,
I am printing the above letter to show you the kind...
1 tag
WHERE ARE YOU. IM ON MY BIKE AND MY DACKS STUCK IN THE BIKE CHAIN. HELP MY DACK
—Anonymous
Dear Ken Featherman of Charleston, SC,
I apologize, to you and all of my readers, for my recent absence from this online dick blog. I was abroad in Kyrgyzstan distributing a cure for dick ebola, and providing care for victims of shark bites on the dick. Wi-Fi is very spotty in Kyrgyzstan, and...
October 2011
6 posts
1 tag
Dick Fact of the Day:
Dicks in medieval times were used by cobblers and blacksmiths.
1 tag
Dick Fact of the Day:
Stem cells have been used to grow a dick on a rabbit’s back. The legality of this practice is currently awaiting a decision by the Supreme Court.
Please write the Supreme Court Justices in support of stem cell dick research:
The Supreme Court of the United States 1 First Street NE Washington, DC 20543
2 tags
AMUSING Dick Fact of the Day:
You rang? A young man named Mark Garcia in Ashland, KY, suffers from a rare deformation of the dick: a distinct bell shape! I guess he’s “saved by the bell!”
There is no known cure for bell-dick.
1 tag
I am studying a photo of my dick from last year and comparing it to my current dick. My dick has a teardrop tattoo that wasn’t there before. Should I get it checked out?
—Anonymous
Dear Allan Oswald of Piscataway, NJ,
Spontaneous dick tattoos have been known to appear overnight during times of stress. Does the image of a single teardrop hold any special symbolic significance...
1 tag
Dick Fact of the Day:
While most organs in the human body are made up of millions of microscopic cells, the dick only contains several dozen large cells. These are called dick cells.
1 tag
Dick Fact of the Day:
Jonas Salk, an American, developed the first successful vaccine for dick polio. He tested it on his own dick.
September 2011
17 posts
1 tag
Dick Fact of the Day:
Many twins share a biological dick-link. Two twin dicks, separated by miles, can retain the same exact desquamation cycle for decades.
2 tags
my dad told me a story about a guy whose dick died and it returns to haunt him every halloween. my dad said if you look in the mirror and say “dick” three times the dick comes out of the mirror and kills you. but thats all it is just an old story right? put my dad in his place.
—Anonymous
Dear Alex Drummond of New York, NY,
I’ve heard this story before, once, in...
Anonymous asked: What does the D in your name stand for? Is it dick-related?
1 tag
my dick is tiles. why have i this grid dick?
—Anonymous
Dear Barnaby Reeves of Kokomo, IN,
If your dick appears to have gridlike geometric scales, you have what is known as a latticed dick.
Here’s the bad news: There’s no cure, nor are there any safe surgical procedures you can undergo to make your dick look normal.
But the good news? Your dick is beautiful! Not only...
1 tag
Why are you wearing a stethoscope? Do you listen...
1 tag
did any dinosaurs have dicks?
—Sarah Flood of Old Greenwich, CT
Dear Sarah Flood of Old Greenwich, CT,
I am not a paleontologist. I cannot see the past or deduce it from bone and dust. Whether these draconine beasts of yore had what we call dicks is an arcane mystery that I will never solve. I’ve already lost enough nights’ sleep and bloody clumps of my own hair to the...
1 tag
I tied a balloon to my dick and now I can’t undo the knot. The balloon is green. I have no telephone, please call an ambulance.
—Anonymous
Dear Corey Ivans of Muskogee, IN,
Sorry for my late reply! Do not attempt to undo the knot, as there is a 50% chance that you will only make it tighter. Don’t gamble your dick!
Instead, mentally focus on making your dick physically...
1 tag
Help Dr Dickdoctor I am a desperate man. My large dick is picking up radio signals. I can’t sleep at night because it is rap music. How do I change the station on my large dick??
—Anonymous
Dear Max Peyton of Camden, NJ,
Radio interference is a common problem in copper reinforced dicks.
The bad news is there is little you can do to control the frequency at which your dick...
1 tag
Please help. I am ready to cry. My dick feels cold to the touch and always has. All of my so-called friends have taken to calling me “Ice Dick”, a very hurtful name. Tell me, doctor, how do I get rid of my ice dick?
—Anonymous
Dear Robert Pugliese of Tampa, FL,
Good circulation is key in maintaining a healthy dick temperature. Remove any rubber bands or friendship...
1 tag
ARE THERE ANY PHOTOS OF A PIRATES DICK
—Anonymous
Dear Kort Mortenson of Holbæk, Denmark,
Real pirates died out before photography came to the Caribbean, but you can find detailed illustrations as well as photos of a modern pirate reenactor’s dick in my book, Dicks (ISBN 0452011876).
—Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD
1 tag
My dick moves in a dreamlike fashion, like a stop-motion animation. The rest of my body is normal. What’s wrong with my dick?
—Anonymous
Dear Dustin Robson of Glen Rose, TX,
Your dick may have a sodium deficency. Dicks need salt to render at an acceptable framerate. Salt your dick with common household salt once a day. If this isn’t enough, switch to curing salt. You can reuse...
1 tag
I have always wondered. How can cows have so many dicks?
—Anonymous
Dear Timothy Innes of Los Angeles, CA,
You are confusing a cow’s udders with dicks. Cows, in fact, are all female. Don’t worry, this is a very common mistake! The males of the species, bulls, have the normal amount of three dicks: One grazing dick for grazing, one fighting dick for fighting, and one death dick that...
1 tag
Hey i am 14 and my dick is fine but the problem is me. I just cant care about it. When someone asks about my dick i just dont care.
—Anonymous
Dear Jason Gentile of Buffalo, ND,
I must stress, what follows is only my opinion as a dick doctor. You may want to seek the help of a dick psychologist for more specialized advice.
A lot of social pressure is put on young men in regards to...
1 tag
My bell shaped dick is causing problems. It is shaped like a bell. People have taken to calling me “Bell Dick”, a very hurtful name. One boy even tried to strike my dick with a gong striker, confusing a gong with a traditional bell. My dick is not a bell, anyway, it just looks like one. It doesn’t ring or anything. Write back soon!
—Anonymous
Dear Mark Garcia of...
