why is there a weird mini mountain range on my dick ? :( snow & trees the works. my homies call me “mountain dick” a very hurtful name. if they just walk a mile in my dick they would not be so eager to laugh behind my mountain dick’s back. whatever im just venting. tell me what can i do to smooth out my dick? help me level this dick
Dear Walter Fiscus of Norfolk, VA,
Take a day off of work! You’re going to want to stop in at the hardware store and pick up sandpaper in the following grit sizes:
P12, P16, P20, P24, P30, P36, P40, P50, P60, P80, P100, P120, P150, P180, P220, P240, P280, P320, P360, P400, P500, P600, P800, P1000, P1200, P1500, P2000, and P2500.
You may also want to pick up a belt sander so your arms don’t get tired.
You are going to spend all day sanding the mountains off of your dick, starting with the coarsest grit paper and making your way down to the finest. By the end of the night your dick will be smooth and aerodynamic, like an Olympic runner’s.
If you do not want the dick mountains to grow back, you’ll need to see your dick doctor and have a dick-guard cast from your new silky-smooth dick. Wear this dick-guard on your dick every night and sleep soundly with the knowledge that you have conquered the mountains on your dick.
—Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD